Assalamualaikum & Bismillahirahmanirrahim

Sunday, January 31, 2016

The Journey : Prologue

The year was 2013. It was me getting married to the person I’ve known for 6 months and looking forward to build a family with him. I can see myself; holding our first baby.

2015 and not a sign of embryo in my womb. More than thirty times my body failed me.

I wasn’t sad, rather worried. I still remember seeing Dr Adilah of Hospital Pantai for the third time. It was in 2014. She was looking at my black and white HSG report.  It didn’t look good.

‘Suspected Adenomyosis and tubal blockage’

There. After two cycles of clomid with twice the dosage on the second time, she gave me a choice; Laparoscopy or IUI.

I cried on my way back. I remember back in 2010 I had a biopsy for fibroadenoma. Could it be from the same cause? 

Saturday, January 30, 2016

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year.

Macam bercakap dengan dinding masa type previous posts. Lama jugak private blog.

Throwback 2015.

Kerja- kerja-kerja-kerja
10 projects as Project/Job Manager and 5 more assisting my colleague with his projects.

Fuhhh.. penat Tuhan je tahu.
Driving alone all over Malaysia sampai keluar term "Kereta ku, Rumah ku". Mileage pun dah cecah lebih 100k! Tak sampai tiga tahun pun lagi.

Tapi of course la enjoy sebab memang minat . Betul la kata mat salleh;

amik siap google lagi image ni. Kah!

Ada one time tu aku pernah siapakan site job kat PD pukul 2 pagi pastu direct drive ke Gerik sebab ada kick-off project meeting and back on the same day just to find out kena pergi Pulau Tioman on the next day. Gile kau! Gagahkan lah jugak drive sorang-sorang ke Mersing. Balik Tioman terus demam. En Somi siap gelak n gelar Power Puff Girl. Katang sangat katenya. pfft!

Sebenarnya ni normal untuk most engineer kat ofis aku, Masing-masing kira macam one man show la. Sorang pegang few projects, start from tendering, study technical specs, project execution sampai la hand over project kat client. Most of the time, ofis kosong sbb engineer semua on site. Tapi bila masing-masing dah habis job, penuh sampai takde tempat nk duduk. Haha.

Dalam bonet kereta wajib ada:
 PPE (personal protective equipment..normal for most engineering worker). 
Jumper kereta : incase je sebab pernah batery weak masa outstation. 
Tak termasuk file-file project kat sebelah tu,
 emergency duffle bag dan toiletries (pergi kerja tetiba kena outstation on the spot) 
Iron n extension kalau kena duduk lama kat site.
PRINTER! sebab nak kena print report.
Barang-barang ni la duk hangkut seluruh Malaysia time job

2015 pun suami banyak outstation. Aku rasa dia lagi katang. Juggling between #2kerja, study and part time jadi ejen insurans. Dah la kerja dia pun kena selalu outstation, tapi dia more on site visit and meeting. Tak macam aku kena main minyak, pakai safety boots sampai lunyai, pastu tapak kasut jatuh kat tepi jeti Tioman. Semua orang nampak tapak safety boots aku jatuh dalam laut. T.T Pastu aku buat2 tak perasan cepat-cepat masuk dalam feri.

Tapi dalam bizi kerja, sempat jugak la jalan-jalan dengan family ke Kundasang dan honeymoon kat Krabi. Teringin nak pergi jauh-jauh, tapi dua-dua cuti limited sebab terikat dengan outstation. Hopefully hujung tahun ni dapat la cuti panjang sikit.

Hujung tahun 2015 pulak, aku dapat cuti sakit sebulan. Sampai mid on Jan 2016 yang lepas. Apelagi, qada' rest la. Haha. Tapi rest dalam kesakitan. Nanti next time aku cerita what happened. Even aku pun tak sangka and aku tak bgtahu orang lain pun selain bos dan family aku. Bos terpaksa tahu sebab aku nk kena handover kerja and ada poject tengah on-going. Tapi kalau duduk kat rumah or ofis lama2 boleh brain freeze. Rindu nk drive and kerja site. Banyak experiences that money can't buy. :') 

Btw kaklang is expecting. Can't wait for our first anak saudara. The majlis was so simple sebab dia nikah masa dia study dulu. So ikutkan sahaja kehendak dia n adik ipar, walaupun my mom insist nk jemput ramai orang. Hahaha. Takpelah, yang penting nikah, bukan majlis kenduri tu.

Overall 2015 adalah KERJA!

Alhamdulillah kewangan and family semakin stabil. I couldn't ask more. :)

Friday, January 15, 2016

2016 and death

3 of 366 (yeah, this year is the leap year)

I lost my only grand ma. I saw she's taking her last breath. I was there. Speechless.
When I hold her hand, I still feel the warmth. It felt surreal. She's gone with the presence of all her children. I can't recall the moment after that and suddenly, people were coming to our home. It just weird when people coming to your house to pay their last visit at 3 am.

I recited Yaasin beside her after Subuh prayer. Umi told me to get ready, we would be busy throughout the day as we're the host. At 7 am, my husband, sister, cousins and relatives from all over Malaysia arrived. The funeral preparation started since before Subuh. As we washed her body, it suddenly hit me, "this is the last time I can do deed to her". I gently washed her hand, I pray that Allah swt will be merciful to her like she did when she raised my mom. I keep praying and praying. Soon after her body on the white sheets, I could see her face as bright as the moon. AND I CRIED INSTANTLY!

May Allah swt bless her.

She was the state qari'ah during her young days. Got invited to the state palace by the Sultan (she and my late grandfather were descended from royalty as well, so they know each other), taught Quran all over the state and memorized surahs. It came to my mind, Allah swt is the Greatest, He showed to me the benefits of reciting the Quran right in front of me. Allahuakbar!

I said to her, "You look so so beautiful in your last dress", kissed all over her face and said my last good bye. It was really heart breaking and I felt like Mike Tyson was punching right on my chest.

I never thought that I will cry and missing her like this. Most of the time, my grandma was at our house. So i kind of took her for granted. But, I still remember, when I was soo heart broken, I cried in the middle of night and she heard me crying, she asked me why and calmed me down.

Once, I found my grandpa's pic whom I never meet (he died in 1978), I showed to her. She smiled and told how romantic my grandpa back then. She's the one who told me about our ancestry from four 'Raja' when others never interested with her story. It is never the so called keturunan Raja stories that I am proud of, it is how she remembers her asal-usul and at the same time still keep in touch with the relatives.

Now, I will never get to know more about our family anymore.

I.. miss her. :(

I miss her that I almost couldn't even post anything about her after she died. When I called my husband in KL, I can't even told him, I just said "Tok Chek.." and cried. 

Rest well Tok Chek and Tok Ku. :'(


Hajjah Nik Mah binti Said
1932 -  2016 (3 January 2016)

Haji Tuan Wil @ Ismail bin Tuan Mat
1929 - 1978

Update: My grandma's sister died on 21 January 2016. Al Fatihah.